1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. Don’t worry about what people think, they don’t do it very often.
3. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. A person who is nice to you but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
1 4. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a muffin in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you’ve kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides nice contrast to the real world.
25. It ain’t the jeans that make your butt look fat.
26. If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved it’s full potential, that word would be ‘meetings’.
27. There is a very fine line between ‘hobby’ and ‘mental illness.’
28. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
29. You should not confuse your career with your life.
30. Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.
31. Never lick a steak knife.
32. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
33. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
34. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
35. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that deep down inside we ALL believe we are good drivers.
36. Your friends love you anyway.
__
CREDIT TO: http://gotfunny.leroysjokes.com/2008/08/18/the-36-rules-of-life/
What can I say? I'm lazy.
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Monday, October 12, 2009
Reeecycle. Re-re-recycle.
I had an episode of Fairly Oddparents in mind when I titled this post.
Shut up.
I'm recycling unused blurry pictures. (Yeah, there are two repeats. I edited them) I got the idea from A Softer World.
Shut up.
I'm recycling unused blurry pictures. (Yeah, there are two repeats. I edited them) I got the idea from A Softer World.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Seriously, you guys, stop naming your children Nick.
I have this temporary phone from camp (long story), and because it's handy to have around, I keep it in my bedroom. It rang today, and I picked it up (for want of something better to do): the guy's name was Nick.
(He wants to pass along the message "White pride" and "I love you". Creep.)
We have a short conversation, but I have to stop talking to him because I have to call my friend, Nick.
We have the BEST conversations, really. I mean, just tonight, I'm planning on asking him for advice about this guy from my theater, Nick.
PARENTS: YOU CAN BE MORE CREATIVE WHEN NAMING BABIES. THEY DON'T ALL LOOK LIKE A "NICK".
This has been a public service announcement.
(He wants to pass along the message "White pride" and "I love you". Creep.)
We have a short conversation, but I have to stop talking to him because I have to call my friend, Nick.
We have the BEST conversations, really. I mean, just tonight, I'm planning on asking him for advice about this guy from my theater, Nick.
PARENTS: YOU CAN BE MORE CREATIVE WHEN NAMING BABIES. THEY DON'T ALL LOOK LIKE A "NICK".
This has been a public service announcement.
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Blogging and theater
See? See? I told y'all that I'd be posting often.
I HAVE A NEW BLOGGING ROLE MODEL. He's like some kind of blogging god. Holy shit. Seriously everybody here needs to get up and go read it. Now.
I feel so incredibly boring. How does one compete with FISH STARK?
Okay. Okay. No. I will get better with time. He's been blogging for a year now. Deep. Breaths.
I'm going to theater again today. Did I ever mention the fun that goes on in during shows?
It all started out innocently enough. This guy, we'll call him Chad (because that's his name), ties my shoelaces together. I thought it was funny until he succeeded. So I had a friend run to the back room of the theater to get something to cut them with- I had a sketch in about a minute. He comes back with a plastic butter knife.
In the next five minutes, if you had asked my shoelaces if they were still together they would have to have replied, "I'm A FRAYED KNOT" (Sorry.)
I got pissed. The next week, he stole my phone. Alright, whatever.
Next week, he stole my phone and my gum. Alright, whatever.
Next week, he stole my phone and put it down his boxers.
This. means. war.
So we get in a flame war. I believe I posted an excerpt in an earlier post.
Not only that, I lined pieces of gum with pepper... When he stole one, it probably burned.
He moons everyone (EW.) I steal his water bottle. He puts my phone in a condom. I fill his water bottle with soap. He dissembles my phone and gives it back in pieces.
I think we might actually have a truce, though. WHAT NOW? Theater will never be as interesting, I have to say.
CHAD, YOU WIN.
I HAVE A NEW BLOGGING ROLE MODEL. He's like some kind of blogging god. Holy shit. Seriously everybody here needs to get up and go read it. Now.
I feel so incredibly boring. How does one compete with FISH STARK?
Okay. Okay. No. I will get better with time. He's been blogging for a year now. Deep. Breaths.
I'm going to theater again today. Did I ever mention the fun that goes on in during shows?
It all started out innocently enough. This guy, we'll call him Chad (because that's his name), ties my shoelaces together. I thought it was funny until he succeeded. So I had a friend run to the back room of the theater to get something to cut them with- I had a sketch in about a minute. He comes back with a plastic butter knife.
In the next five minutes, if you had asked my shoelaces if they were still together they would have to have replied, "I'm A FRAYED KNOT" (Sorry.)
I got pissed. The next week, he stole my phone. Alright, whatever.
Next week, he stole my phone and my gum. Alright, whatever.
Next week, he stole my phone and put it down his boxers.
This. means. war.
So we get in a flame war. I believe I posted an excerpt in an earlier post.
Not only that, I lined pieces of gum with pepper... When he stole one, it probably burned.
He moons everyone (EW.) I steal his water bottle. He puts my phone in a condom. I fill his water bottle with soap. He dissembles my phone and gives it back in pieces.
I think we might actually have a truce, though. WHAT NOW? Theater will never be as interesting, I have to say.
CHAD, YOU WIN.
Friday, October 9, 2009
Let's not love A) Megan Fox B) Elephants. But let's love teenage boys.
I am sick. Thus, I am bored. Thus, I photoshop.
Life update (for those who care): It's been crazy. Between synchro teams (I didn't make combo, damn it! I may be condemned to 13-15 age group until I'm actually 16... which is a bad thing for me, with the given situation in LAS), school (I'm probably pulling straight B's... I need A's), music (going well, going well... I've been writing), and everything else (planning that party!), I've had plenty to keep up with.
I'm sure you all know about Jason... still don't know where I'm going with that...
Last night I ran a 101 fever. T'was fun.
My phone is broken! I'm so pissed at Tmobile. All of my contacts, gone. And a cracked screen. But, I have a totally kickass case. So I'm good.
The ex that took me so long to get over, the one who I care for very much... we're friends now. Thank god! In fact, the title of this post is quoted from him.
Speaking of friends, a brief shoutout to all of you: I LOVE YOU. Thank you all so very much for being there for me. I truly do need and love you all very much.
Another blogger was born. Sorry, I'm late to the party :P
This week I've been blasting Mayday Parade, Jack Johnson, Owl City, Panic! at the Disco, Angels & Airwaves, Jason's CD, Blink-182, We Fight Dragons,and Jer Coons. A very mellow week.
I'm going to update more. PROMISE.
Monday, September 28, 2009
Has anybody else noticed this?
I was at the mall today.
(As/D) + (N - C) &alpha P
Where:
As = area of the store
D= number of display racks
C= number of bold or bright colors present in display racks
N= neatness of racks
P= price of clothing
__
(&alpha = directly proportionate to)
(As/D) + (N - C) &alpha P
Where:
As = area of the store
D= number of display racks
C= number of bold or bright colors present in display racks
N= neatness of racks
P= price of clothing
__
(&alpha = directly proportionate to)
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Sociology and the flu!
UGH UGH UGH.
Cough, cough.
I am sick.
The good news? I'm bedridden and, thus, have time to blog.
The bad news? I'm going to be screwed when I get back to class. Royally. Screwed.
But I did an experiment over the weekend.
Basically, I walked up to random people on the streets and asked them to give me the first word that came to their mind. It was awesome: you would not BELIEVE the looks you'll get walking up to the blue-haired lady on her smoke break from CVS and asking her for vocabulary. (My friend ducked in to the store, probably denying his association with me)
So far, the results (in order):
impertinent
tree
happy
sleepy
awesome
bad
whatever
Rosh Hashana
basketball
I shall continue! Blue-haired-cigarette-smoking CVS employees, beware!
Cough, cough.
I am sick.
The good news? I'm bedridden and, thus, have time to blog.
The bad news? I'm going to be screwed when I get back to class. Royally. Screwed.
But I did an experiment over the weekend.
Basically, I walked up to random people on the streets and asked them to give me the first word that came to their mind. It was awesome: you would not BELIEVE the looks you'll get walking up to the blue-haired lady on her smoke break from CVS and asking her for vocabulary. (My friend ducked in to the store, probably denying his association with me)
So far, the results (in order):
impertinent
tree
happy
sleepy
awesome
bad
whatever
Rosh Hashana
basketball
I shall continue! Blue-haired-cigarette-smoking CVS employees, beware!
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Small fish
Oh my god, I can't even describe how stressed I am right now. So I won't.
All I can say is that I feel like a small fish in a very, very large ocean. A small fish trying to tread water. A small fish getting caught in the currents. A small fish trying to hold her own. A small fish that, no matter what, is making a mess of things wherever she goes. A small fish that has a lot of learning left to do.
All I can say is that I feel like a small fish in a very, very large ocean. A small fish trying to tread water. A small fish getting caught in the currents. A small fish trying to hold her own. A small fish that, no matter what, is making a mess of things wherever she goes. A small fish that has a lot of learning left to do.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Friday, August 14, 2009
love tape~
I was bored and inspired today, so I decided that I was going to go off on a random act of graffiti/kindness. Namely, love tape.
Enjoy.
__
The backstory: At CTY (the writing class thing I was at for three weeks) there were several themed days/ tradition days. One of these was love tape day- you take tape (usually duct tape or masking tape) and stick it onto people you love/friends/people you want to annoy the sh*t out of. People occasionally write short messages or inside jokes on the tape, just for fun.
We also had activities that one could sign up for during the space between afternoon classes and dinner. One of these activities was "Random Acts of Kindness". I signed up for it and, in short, I loved it. It was all about randomly making people happy! And giving away free hugs!
I combined these two ideas, making for a very fun afternoon walk. I even quoted Billy Collins. OHSNAP!
__
NEWS: I redid the layout. Huzzah.
Enjoy.
__
The backstory: At CTY (the writing class thing I was at for three weeks) there were several themed days/ tradition days. One of these was love tape day- you take tape (usually duct tape or masking tape) and stick it onto people you love/friends/people you want to annoy the sh*t out of. People occasionally write short messages or inside jokes on the tape, just for fun.
We also had activities that one could sign up for during the space between afternoon classes and dinner. One of these activities was "Random Acts of Kindness". I signed up for it and, in short, I loved it. It was all about randomly making people happy! And giving away free hugs!
I combined these two ideas, making for a very fun afternoon walk. I even quoted Billy Collins. OHSNAP!
__
NEWS: I redid the layout. Huzzah.
They're red. They're fuzzy. They're living in my closet.
So I was looking through my closet. Now, I don't know how they got here (Christmas present??), but they're here. I've never worn them, I have no idea why I still have them. But they're there. Can YOU guess what's hidden in my top shelf?
That's right- sock monkey footie pajamas.
You see, I could just get rid of them... and then there's this part of me that's thinking:
What if I needed to rob a bank... and needed... a fuzzy red monkey suit? That's what all the cool robbers are doing nowadays. Or, say, needed a cute outfit for a date? According to Seventeen, the #1 turn on for 82% of guys is red flannel footie pajamas. I'm pretty sure I caught it on the runway in Paris a few weeks ago. What if it was the apocalypse and the only way to survive the nuclear winter was to cover 90% of your body in red monkeylisciousness? What if it's discovered the cure for cancer? An infinite source of non-polluting energy? The cure for world hunger? The meaning of life?
I can see it now: Some guy starts screaming from a department store changing room:
I found it! The meaning of life! It's not 42, it's red monkey footie pajamas! My cancerous growth, gone! I'm no longer hungry! I am protected from the apocalypse! And I'm suddenly... so very aroused!
So now they're sitting there. Watching me.
SOMEBODY TELL ME WHAT TO DO WITH THEM!
___
NEWS: School starts soon ugh ugh ugh. ugh.
IN OTHER NEWS, check out my friend's blog: jasonimeandavid.blogspot.com.
Go. Now. Read it. Shoo.
That's right- sock monkey footie pajamas.
You see, I could just get rid of them... and then there's this part of me that's thinking:
What if I needed to rob a bank... and needed... a fuzzy red monkey suit? That's what all the cool robbers are doing nowadays. Or, say, needed a cute outfit for a date? According to Seventeen, the #1 turn on for 82% of guys is red flannel footie pajamas. I'm pretty sure I caught it on the runway in Paris a few weeks ago. What if it was the apocalypse and the only way to survive the nuclear winter was to cover 90% of your body in red monkeylisciousness? What if it's discovered the cure for cancer? An infinite source of non-polluting energy? The cure for world hunger? The meaning of life?
I can see it now: Some guy starts screaming from a department store changing room:
I found it! The meaning of life! It's not 42, it's red monkey footie pajamas! My cancerous growth, gone! I'm no longer hungry! I am protected from the apocalypse! And I'm suddenly... so very aroused!
So now they're sitting there. Watching me.
SOMEBODY TELL ME WHAT TO DO WITH THEM!
___
NEWS: School starts soon ugh ugh ugh. ugh.
IN OTHER NEWS, check out my friend's blog: jasonimeandavid.blogspot.com.
Go. Now. Read it. Shoo.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
My favorite albums of all time. Period.
I had to do it. I just had to.
__
1 - Go to "wikipedia." Hit “random”
or click http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special:Random
The first random wikipedia article you get is the name of your band.
2 - Go to "Random quotations"
or click http://www.quotationspage.com/random.php3
The last three to five words of the very last quote of the page is the title of your first album.
3 - Go to flickr and click on “explore the last seven days”
or click http://www.flickr.com/explore/interesting/7days
Third picture, no matter what it is, will be your album cover.
__
Without further ado, my beautiful albums!
__
1 - Go to "wikipedia." Hit “random”
or click http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special:Random
The first random wikipedia article you get is the name of your band.
2 - Go to "Random quotations"
or click http://www.quotationspage.com/random.php3
The last three to five words of the very last quote of the page is the title of your first album.
3 - Go to flickr and click on “explore the last seven days”
or click http://www.flickr.com/explore/interesting/7days
Third picture, no matter what it is, will be your album cover.
__
Without further ado, my beautiful albums!
Saturday, August 8, 2009
...I'm back!!
Those were some of the best three weeks of my life! Holy moly!
I could write for pages JUST listing my inside jokes and awesome experiences. But I'll spare you.
__
Ooh, but yesterday at the airport in Harrisburg, my friend (I'll call her Marissa) and I got bored. What better to do when you're bored at an airport than to hang out at a weird gift shop?
Allow me to describe this gift store in a little more detail. First, the only people actually shopping there were about three old ladies. Secondly, their stock. They sold commemorative Pennsylvania mustard. They sold salad dressing. They sold a country map puzzle with South Dakota missing. They sold rugs. This is an airport gift shop, mind you.
So we figured we'd have a bit of fun. We engaged in a few loud conversations.
Marissa: Neat, old wine! We could get TOTALLY smashed tonight!
Me: Ehmygawd, let's do it!
Marissa: (looking at a clock toy) Hickory Dickory Dock? Sounds like an obscure sex reference! This is innapropriate!
Me: Ooh, look, rugs! I know what we could do with those (winks)
Marissa: Or UNDER them...
Me: YES!
Marissa: (devilish grin)
We leave.
Needless to say, we got a few stares.
This is also the airport with the "I <3 intercourse (pennsylvania)" shirts. Because Intercourse, Pennsylvania is actually a place. How cool is that?
____
Ummmm. I really have very few funny things to say at this point. I'm going to go unpack now.
Heh.
I could write for pages JUST listing my inside jokes and awesome experiences. But I'll spare you.
__
Ooh, but yesterday at the airport in Harrisburg, my friend (I'll call her Marissa) and I got bored. What better to do when you're bored at an airport than to hang out at a weird gift shop?
Allow me to describe this gift store in a little more detail. First, the only people actually shopping there were about three old ladies. Secondly, their stock. They sold commemorative Pennsylvania mustard. They sold salad dressing. They sold a country map puzzle with South Dakota missing. They sold rugs. This is an airport gift shop, mind you.
So we figured we'd have a bit of fun. We engaged in a few loud conversations.
Marissa: Neat, old wine! We could get TOTALLY smashed tonight!
Me: Ehmygawd, let's do it!
Marissa: (looking at a clock toy) Hickory Dickory Dock? Sounds like an obscure sex reference! This is innapropriate!
Me: Ooh, look, rugs! I know what we could do with those (winks)
Marissa: Or UNDER them...
Me: YES!
Marissa: (devilish grin)
We leave.
Needless to say, we got a few stares.
This is also the airport with the "I <3 intercourse (pennsylvania)" shirts. Because Intercourse, Pennsylvania is actually a place. How cool is that?
____
Ummmm. I really have very few funny things to say at this point. I'm going to go unpack now.
Heh.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Kid's camp songs and cans
You know what's really, really annoying but loved at the same time? Kid's camp songs.
Now, I'm still a kid. But I'm talking six-year-olds-screaming-at-the-top-of-their-lungs camp songs. I hate them. Want to know why? YES. The answer is yes, you do.
1. They make no sense.
Allow me to give you an example:
Counselor: TAAAARZAN!
Kids: TAAARZAN!
Counselor: SWINGING FROM A RUBBER BAND!
Kids: SWINGING FROM A RUBBER BAND!
Counselor: FELL INTO A FRYING PAN!
Kids: FELL INTO A FRYING PAN!
Counselor: NOW HE HAS A TAN!
Kids: NOW HE HAS A TAN!
(this is an actual song)
I get that they're supposed to be silly, but C'MON. It's downright annoying.
2. They usually have really annoying dances that go along with them
Okay, I understand if you want us to clap our hands. Snap our fingers, stomp our feet, whatever. It's cute. It's a different story when you're swinging your hips, flicking your tongue, hopping on one foot while swiveling the other, patting your head, rolling your eyes backwards on every third beat, doing the declaration of independence in sign language with one hand, and knitting with your butt cheeks.
3. They're usually obnoxiously loud
LET'S MAKE OURSELVES HEARD IN THE CAMP SIXTEEN MILES AWAY! C'MON KIDS, LET'S MAKE SURE ANY HOPES OF BEING ABLE TO HEAR ANYTHING LOUDER THAN A SHOUT WHEN WE'RE OLDER ARE DECIMATED!
AAAAH!
--
On the topic of camps, my dad told me the PUNNIEST campfire skit that I felt I must share.
There are two doctors, two nurses nurse, and a patient. The patient is laying down with a blanket over him.
Doc 1: -looks under blanket- Cancer, I'm sure of it.
Doc 2: -looks under blanket- No, it's a tumor.
Doc 1: -looks again- Cancer.
Doc 2: -looks again- Tumor.
Doc 1: Cancer!
Doc 2: Tumor!
Nurse 1: -reaches under blankets and pulls out a can- It's a can, sir.
Nurse 2: -reaches under blankets and pulls out 2 cans- Look, two more!
Get it? Can, sir= cancer. Two more= tumor.
Hehehe... he... heh.
BU DUM CSHH!
--
In other news, I'm leaving for the EAST COAST in a few days. For three weeks. So for my ONE ENTIRE subscriber, I won't be posting for a while. I'm sure you'll miss me.
Now, I'm still a kid. But I'm talking six-year-olds-screaming-at-the-top-of-their-lungs camp songs. I hate them. Want to know why? YES. The answer is yes, you do.
1. They make no sense.
Allow me to give you an example:
Counselor: TAAAARZAN!
Kids: TAAARZAN!
Counselor: SWINGING FROM A RUBBER BAND!
Kids: SWINGING FROM A RUBBER BAND!
Counselor: FELL INTO A FRYING PAN!
Kids: FELL INTO A FRYING PAN!
Counselor: NOW HE HAS A TAN!
Kids: NOW HE HAS A TAN!
(this is an actual song)
I get that they're supposed to be silly, but C'MON. It's downright annoying.
2. They usually have really annoying dances that go along with them
Okay, I understand if you want us to clap our hands. Snap our fingers, stomp our feet, whatever. It's cute. It's a different story when you're swinging your hips, flicking your tongue, hopping on one foot while swiveling the other, patting your head, rolling your eyes backwards on every third beat, doing the declaration of independence in sign language with one hand, and knitting with your butt cheeks.
3. They're usually obnoxiously loud
LET'S MAKE OURSELVES HEARD IN THE CAMP SIXTEEN MILES AWAY! C'MON KIDS, LET'S MAKE SURE ANY HOPES OF BEING ABLE TO HEAR ANYTHING LOUDER THAN A SHOUT WHEN WE'RE OLDER ARE DECIMATED!
AAAAH!
--
On the topic of camps, my dad told me the PUNNIEST campfire skit that I felt I must share.
There are two doctors, two nurses nurse, and a patient. The patient is laying down with a blanket over him.
Doc 1: -looks under blanket- Cancer, I'm sure of it.
Doc 2: -looks under blanket- No, it's a tumor.
Doc 1: -looks again- Cancer.
Doc 2: -looks again- Tumor.
Doc 1: Cancer!
Doc 2: Tumor!
Nurse 1: -reaches under blankets and pulls out a can- It's a can, sir.
Nurse 2: -reaches under blankets and pulls out 2 cans- Look, two more!
Get it? Can, sir= cancer. Two more= tumor.
Hehehe... he... heh.
BU DUM CSHH!
--
In other news, I'm leaving for the EAST COAST in a few days. For three weeks. So for my ONE ENTIRE subscriber, I won't be posting for a while. I'm sure you'll miss me.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
That's punny
For the lovers of words...
1. A bicycle can’t stand alone; it is two tired.
2. A will is a dead giveaway.
3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backward poet writes inverse.
5. In a democracy it’s your vote that counts; in feudalism, it’s your Count that votes.
6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
7. If you don’t pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat miner.
10. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
11. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
12. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
13. You are stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
14. Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.
15. He broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
16. A calendar’s days are numbered.
17. A lot of money is tainted: ‘Taint yours, and ‘taint mine.
18. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
19. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
20. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
21. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.
22. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
23. When you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
24. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
25. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.
26. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
27. Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
28. Acupuncture: a jab well done.
29. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.
30. I thought out of maybe 10 of these puns, one would make me laugh but unforunately no pun in ten did.
31. Atheism the only non prophet organisation
32. Seven days without water makes one weak.
33. Is your smug psychic over-charging you? Perhaps you can strike a happy medium.
34. The two hippies driving the mountain road left no turn unstoned.
35. Puns are for younger readers, not for groan adults!
36. My dad said he didn’t like how threadbare the new fashionable jeans looked, but I wore mine out anyway.
37. The Pope wears all leather, wholly cow shoes.
38. He was a modest dairy farmer and always said he owed his success to udders.
39. Law students who never study usually become alcoholics because they can never pass the bar.
40. DaVinci made a proposal that others help him build an ornithopter, but it didn’t fly.
41. Ask a tied up piece of twine that’s been rubbed all over the sidewalk if it’s a rope and it’s likely to reply that it’s a frayed knot.
C'mon, you gotta give them credit... a pun is a rare medium well-done.
BU DUM CHHHH!
1. A bicycle can’t stand alone; it is two tired.
2. A will is a dead giveaway.
3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backward poet writes inverse.
5. In a democracy it’s your vote that counts; in feudalism, it’s your Count that votes.
6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
7. If you don’t pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat miner.
10. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
11. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
12. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
13. You are stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
14. Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.
15. He broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
16. A calendar’s days are numbered.
17. A lot of money is tainted: ‘Taint yours, and ‘taint mine.
18. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
19. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
20. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
21. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.
22. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
23. When you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
24. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
25. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.
26. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
27. Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
28. Acupuncture: a jab well done.
29. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.
30. I thought out of maybe 10 of these puns, one would make me laugh but unforunately no pun in ten did.
31. Atheism the only non prophet organisation
32. Seven days without water makes one weak.
33. Is your smug psychic over-charging you? Perhaps you can strike a happy medium.
34. The two hippies driving the mountain road left no turn unstoned.
35. Puns are for younger readers, not for groan adults!
36. My dad said he didn’t like how threadbare the new fashionable jeans looked, but I wore mine out anyway.
37. The Pope wears all leather, wholly cow shoes.
38. He was a modest dairy farmer and always said he owed his success to udders.
39. Law students who never study usually become alcoholics because they can never pass the bar.
40. DaVinci made a proposal that others help him build an ornithopter, but it didn’t fly.
41. Ask a tied up piece of twine that’s been rubbed all over the sidewalk if it’s a rope and it’s likely to reply that it’s a frayed knot.
C'mon, you gotta give them credit... a pun is a rare medium well-done.
BU DUM CHHHH!
Sunday, June 28, 2009
And the lamb fell in love with the lion...
You (again, I'm writing as if I had readers) know the Twilight quote?
"And so the lion fell in love with the lamb. 'What a silly lamb'... 'What a sick, masochistic lion' "
Or something along those lines. Well, I think they should have specified. It said that the lion fell for the lamb... it never said the lamb fell for the lion. Maybe "And so the lion and lamb fell in love". Yeah, less poetic, but it clears up any misconceptions.
In my very own twilight, the lamb falls in love with the lion.
The lion, evidently, does not reciprocate.
Too bad in my twilight, the lion ends up mauling the lamb. Because lions EAT lambs.
And so the lamb runs off to blog about it.
The moral of the story? Stick to humans. Lions suck.
"And so the lion fell in love with the lamb. 'What a silly lamb'... 'What a sick, masochistic lion' "
Or something along those lines. Well, I think they should have specified. It said that the lion fell for the lamb... it never said the lamb fell for the lion. Maybe "And so the lion and lamb fell in love". Yeah, less poetic, but it clears up any misconceptions.
In my very own twilight, the lamb falls in love with the lion.
The lion, evidently, does not reciprocate.
Too bad in my twilight, the lion ends up mauling the lamb. Because lions EAT lambs.
And so the lamb runs off to blog about it.
The moral of the story? Stick to humans. Lions suck.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Omegle
You know what's amazing? Omegle.com
You meet strangers, technically- You talk to somebody random, about anything. And you can leave at anytime.
You can be anybody too- I'm "K" now. I love it, too. My middle initial is threatening to become my new name, I swear.
And I'm sending people that I enjoy taking to right here. So I don't leave without a trace...
You meet strangers, technically- You talk to somebody random, about anything. And you can leave at anytime.
You can be anybody too- I'm "K" now. I love it, too. My middle initial is threatening to become my new name, I swear.
And I'm sending people that I enjoy taking to right here. So I don't leave without a trace...
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Why I don't sleep
If nobody's reading this, I might as well post...
You know, when you're a teen, your body is telling you to go- go fall in love, seek your mate, make babies. But society (your parents, schools, adults, etc.) tells you no! You have time! Not now!
There are the rebels- the ones who choose to side with hormones, physical attraction, instinct, chaos, natural rebellion- who have chosen that they will NOT be controlled.
There are the non-rebels- the ones who are patient, who are respectable, who study hard and get real jobs. What your parents want you to be when you grow up.
Now, I'm not saying everybody falls directly into one of these categories. I'm saying that these are the two sides of the spectrum. People fall between them.
Are the non-rebels closed minded, sheep-like? Conformists?
Are the rebels stupid? Immature?
Who is to say who is right?
Is siding with society's limits so wrong? Is he who chooses to wait for live, to study hard and get a "real job", who has considered his instincts and suppressed them to fit into the shell of what society calls "respectable" more closed minded than he who chooses to side with natural hormones and rebellion? They both scoff at the other side. But why?
Those who choose their path (whether to fall to the side of "rebel" or "non-rebel") are grouped with the same people who simply GO.
When I say "simply GO" I mean continue their life without giving thought to where they're going. Who follow the leader.
And when you get down to thinking about it... what's so wrong about following? I mean, there are only so many paths you can take...
-headdesk-
Most 13-year-olds don't stay up worrying about this, do they?
DAMN IT!
You know, when you're a teen, your body is telling you to go- go fall in love, seek your mate, make babies. But society (your parents, schools, adults, etc.) tells you no! You have time! Not now!
There are the rebels- the ones who choose to side with hormones, physical attraction, instinct, chaos, natural rebellion- who have chosen that they will NOT be controlled.
There are the non-rebels- the ones who are patient, who are respectable, who study hard and get real jobs. What your parents want you to be when you grow up.
Now, I'm not saying everybody falls directly into one of these categories. I'm saying that these are the two sides of the spectrum. People fall between them.
Are the non-rebels closed minded, sheep-like? Conformists?
Are the rebels stupid? Immature?
Who is to say who is right?
Is siding with society's limits so wrong? Is he who chooses to wait for live, to study hard and get a "real job", who has considered his instincts and suppressed them to fit into the shell of what society calls "respectable" more closed minded than he who chooses to side with natural hormones and rebellion? They both scoff at the other side. But why?
Those who choose their path (whether to fall to the side of "rebel" or "non-rebel") are grouped with the same people who simply GO.
When I say "simply GO" I mean continue their life without giving thought to where they're going. Who follow the leader.
And when you get down to thinking about it... what's so wrong about following? I mean, there are only so many paths you can take...
-headdesk-
Most 13-year-olds don't stay up worrying about this, do they?
DAMN IT!
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Sunday, June 7, 2009
Single ladies
You know what's fun?
Being single over the summer!
Especially FLIRTING! Yes! Such fun! I can be guy-obsessed for a while and just have a little fun. Total stress relief right there. Nothing bad, though ;) Keep your mind out of the gutter.
And getting back at my ex... getting my friends to call him up and cuss him out is a bundle of laughs, especially the- erm- colorful language.
...and I can dance to single ladies.
Being single over the summer!
Especially FLIRTING! Yes! Such fun! I can be guy-obsessed for a while and just have a little fun. Total stress relief right there. Nothing bad, though ;) Keep your mind out of the gutter.
And getting back at my ex... getting my friends to call him up and cuss him out is a bundle of laughs, especially the- erm- colorful language.
...and I can dance to single ladies.
Saturday, June 6, 2009
Email transcript
Chad ******
June 5 at 1:07am
Out of class? You mean that you're on summer break?
Dylan *****
June 5 at 9:24am
NO, Chad, I was just SO excited that another day had passed and I successfully got out of class without getting eaten alive 0_o
(yes I'm on summer break, smartie)
Chad *****
June 5 at 2:46pm
Your teachers eat you?
Dylan *****
June 5 at 8:35pm
After they're done beating us with chairs
Dylan *****
Today at 8:40am
What, were you never beaten within an inch of your life or eaten alive as a middle schooler?
Wuss.
--
Turns out he was the bringer of pain. At least I'm a girl, we only get sexually harassed :)
(just kidding, by the way)
(well, mostly)
June 5 at 1:07am
Out of class? You mean that you're on summer break?
Dylan *****
June 5 at 9:24am
NO, Chad, I was just SO excited that another day had passed and I successfully got out of class without getting eaten alive 0_o
(yes I'm on summer break, smartie)
Chad *****
June 5 at 2:46pm
Your teachers eat you?
Dylan *****
June 5 at 8:35pm
After they're done beating us with chairs
Dylan *****
Today at 8:40am
What, were you never beaten within an inch of your life or eaten alive as a middle schooler?
Wuss.
--
Turns out he was the bringer of pain. At least I'm a girl, we only get sexually harassed :)
(just kidding, by the way)
(well, mostly)
Friday, June 5, 2009
Webbie awards
These sites definitely win my webbie award for the month :)
They're weird, they're out there, they're random... and I <3 them!
Overall:
twocansandstring.com
omgthatrocks.com
fmylife.com
www.deletedimages.com
pandora.com
Webcomics:
asofterworld.com
sinfest.com
jinxville.com
Games:
www.ferryhalim.com/orisinal
www.kongregate.com/games/Jiggmin/platform-racing-2
www.k2xl.com/games/boomshine
Shopping:
www.poketo.com/shop/
www.snorgtees.com/
They're weird, they're out there, they're random... and I <3 them!
Overall:
twocansandstring.com
omgthatrocks.com
fmylife.com
www.deletedimages.com
pandora.com
Webcomics:
asofterworld.com
sinfest.com
jinxville.com
Games:
www.ferryhalim.com/orisinal
www.kongregate.com/games/Jiggmin/platform-racing-2
www.k2xl.com/games/boomshine
Shopping:
www.poketo.com/shop/
www.snorgtees.com/
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
In which I get my nails done
DOUBLE POST FUNTIME
Today I was getting my nails done (bright orange, mind you) and I was sitting next to a nurse getting her nails painted bright pink. She was trying to make conversation with the lady painting her nails. The conversation went something like this:
Nurse: So, when are you going to retire?
Nail lady: Ten years.
Nurse: Ten years? Really?
Nail lady: Yes.
Nurse: Oh, come on! You have to find something you like to do! Like, what did you want to be when you were a little girl? There has to have been something! Who did you want to be?
Nail lady (coldly): You.
Today I was getting my nails done (bright orange, mind you) and I was sitting next to a nurse getting her nails painted bright pink. She was trying to make conversation with the lady painting her nails. The conversation went something like this:
Nurse: So, when are you going to retire?
Nail lady: Ten years.
Nurse: Ten years? Really?
Nail lady: Yes.
Nurse: Oh, come on! You have to find something you like to do! Like, what did you want to be when you were a little girl? There has to have been something! Who did you want to be?
Nail lady (coldly): You.
Life update and my team
I haven't posted in a while. Well, this'll be my third post. So let's see if I'll start updating it, hm?
I was thinking about my teammates the other night at practice (well, duh. I was at practice) and how one of my teammates has a fanfic where she writes about us. And I thought- how awesome would it be to write about my team! We have the best collection of people that could possibly happen. Ever. So, here's a description the coolest 7 people you will ever meet:
Grace: She's one of the older ones on our team. A kind of leader and mommy for us all, she can be trusted with any kind of secret. She's kind of our unofficial leader usually, when Coach K. isn't around. She's also an inner rapper- somewhere under that superpale, freckley skin (that will never- NEVER- tan) is an angry black man... with MAD dance moves. She comes from a large, homeschooled family and knows every Taylor Swift song ever written. She's silly at heart, loud at times, and totally awesome.
Miranda: She's the fiery, passionate, short-tempered Cuban we've come to know and love. She's not short, but "fun sized" as she insists on calling it; one of the older ones on the team (around the same age as Grace and Sara). Twilight-obsessed along with Rachel, Frankie, and Liza, she often has writing all over her hands from class. She's got a wicked sense of humor and is more likely to shove you in the pool when she gets the chance.
Sara: She's strong and hardworking, also one of the older 3 Ask her to double the workout, and she'll do it- no questions asked. She's also moody at times and has been cheated on more times than any of us can count. While she's bossy at times, she's caring and sweet at heart. She loves teasing Grace about how their skin pigment differs- she's the darkest on the team with Grace being the lightest and Miranda being somewhere in the middle.
Niki: Evidently we're the only ones who don't call her "Nicole". She can be pessimistic at times. She's an amazing artist, usually on computer graphics, and has a Gaia account that she's on every day. She's taught me more slang and swear words than I even thought existed but still has yet to rival me "that's what she said" placement skills.
Liza: She's fun, fun-sized, flirtatious, and giggly most of the time. She's a cute girl who went to my school for all of elementary school (that's how she was introduced to the sport- I showed her). Boy-crazy to the end, she's the most likely to have that new crush obsession that changes three times in between practices. She's worn Kanye glasses on her head over her fluffy hair almost every day... for a year.
Rachel: She's Coach K's daughter (yet STILL ditches synchro for soccer during the fall! Goodness!) She's the second-youngest on the team and is, for one of the first times ever, not the baby of the team. While somewhat immature at times, she tries to act older then she is, and almost always succeeds in fitting in perfectly despite the age differences. She's crazy and hyper, and can be bossy at times. Still, she works her @$$ off for the sport and it pays off.
Frankie: This year's baby of the team, although she certainly doesn't seem like it. She looks and acts much older than she is (most of the time :P). She's also twilight obsessed and... strange... what more can be said?
That's about it, for now. By the way: this is only my 8-man (including myself) synchronized swimming team. There are other people in our club overall, this is just who I'm swimming with this year. Hopefully next!
On an unrelated note:
-I've gotten over my obsession with 21st Century Breakdown (by Greenday) and now can't get over nevershoutnever!. That's heart-melting stuff right there.
-I can't get out of the studio lately-- I love to write music, it's official! Too bad I can never seem to finish anything
-June gloom has set in, it's actually raining! In June! Huzzah!
-Summersummersummersummersummersummer is coming
-I can't stop checking Facebook updates. It's an obsession.
Now I'm off to stomp in puddles and take advantage of the rainy day :)
We NEVER get those!
I was thinking about my teammates the other night at practice (well, duh. I was at practice) and how one of my teammates has a fanfic where she writes about us. And I thought- how awesome would it be to write about my team! We have the best collection of people that could possibly happen. Ever. So, here's a description the coolest 7 people you will ever meet:
Grace: She's one of the older ones on our team. A kind of leader and mommy for us all, she can be trusted with any kind of secret. She's kind of our unofficial leader usually, when Coach K. isn't around. She's also an inner rapper- somewhere under that superpale, freckley skin (that will never- NEVER- tan) is an angry black man... with MAD dance moves. She comes from a large, homeschooled family and knows every Taylor Swift song ever written. She's silly at heart, loud at times, and totally awesome.
Miranda: She's the fiery, passionate, short-tempered Cuban we've come to know and love. She's not short, but "fun sized" as she insists on calling it; one of the older ones on the team (around the same age as Grace and Sara). Twilight-obsessed along with Rachel, Frankie, and Liza, she often has writing all over her hands from class. She's got a wicked sense of humor and is more likely to shove you in the pool when she gets the chance.
Sara: She's strong and hardworking, also one of the older 3 Ask her to double the workout, and she'll do it- no questions asked. She's also moody at times and has been cheated on more times than any of us can count. While she's bossy at times, she's caring and sweet at heart. She loves teasing Grace about how their skin pigment differs- she's the darkest on the team with Grace being the lightest and Miranda being somewhere in the middle.
Niki: Evidently we're the only ones who don't call her "Nicole". She can be pessimistic at times. She's an amazing artist, usually on computer graphics, and has a Gaia account that she's on every day. She's taught me more slang and swear words than I even thought existed but still has yet to rival me "that's what she said" placement skills.
Liza: She's fun, fun-sized, flirtatious, and giggly most of the time. She's a cute girl who went to my school for all of elementary school (that's how she was introduced to the sport- I showed her). Boy-crazy to the end, she's the most likely to have that new crush obsession that changes three times in between practices. She's worn Kanye glasses on her head over her fluffy hair almost every day... for a year.
Rachel: She's Coach K's daughter (yet STILL ditches synchro for soccer during the fall! Goodness!) She's the second-youngest on the team and is, for one of the first times ever, not the baby of the team. While somewhat immature at times, she tries to act older then she is, and almost always succeeds in fitting in perfectly despite the age differences. She's crazy and hyper, and can be bossy at times. Still, she works her @$$ off for the sport and it pays off.
Frankie: This year's baby of the team, although she certainly doesn't seem like it. She looks and acts much older than she is (most of the time :P). She's also twilight obsessed and... strange... what more can be said?
That's about it, for now. By the way: this is only my 8-man (including myself) synchronized swimming team. There are other people in our club overall, this is just who I'm swimming with this year. Hopefully next!
On an unrelated note:
-I've gotten over my obsession with 21st Century Breakdown (by Greenday) and now can't get over nevershoutnever!. That's heart-melting stuff right there.
-I can't get out of the studio lately-- I love to write music, it's official! Too bad I can never seem to finish anything
-June gloom has set in, it's actually raining! In June! Huzzah!
-Summersummersummersummersummersummer is coming
-I can't stop checking Facebook updates. It's an obsession.
Now I'm off to stomp in puddles and take advantage of the rainy day :)
We NEVER get those!
Monday, February 16, 2009
HI!
I decided to start a blog today.
About my life (shocker, given the title).
I'm a girl.
My name is Dylan (just Dylan).
My birthday's in mid-January, some time in the 1900s.
I <3- Poetry (reading and writing), reading (everything!), writing (everything!) drawing with regular pencils, the internet, my friends, synchronized swimming, swim team (and water in general), running, laughing, rainy days, arts and crafts, Death Cab for Cutie, the beach, neaklaces, riding my bike, sunny days, being warm, eating, sports, video games, WoW, texting, school supplies shopping, alternative rock, math, the english language, art classes, great teachers (like the two awesome english teachers I don't have) playing piano, playing keyboards, being happy, my band, chocolate, photography, reading blogs, StumbleUpon, and Amazon River dolphins.
I
Um... my favorite color is purple?
That's about it.
Of course- who am I writing this to? I seriously doubt anybody'll read this...
About my life (shocker, given the title).
I'm a girl.
My name is Dylan (just Dylan).
My birthday's in mid-January, some time in the 1900s.
I <3- Poetry (reading and writing), reading (everything!), writing (everything!) drawing with regular pencils, the internet, my friends, synchronized swimming, swim team (and water in general), running, laughing, rainy days, arts and crafts, Death Cab for Cutie, the beach, neaklaces, riding my bike, sunny days, being warm, eating, sports, video games, WoW, texting, school supplies shopping, alternative rock, math, the english language, art classes, great teachers (like the two awesome english teachers I don't have) playing piano, playing keyboards, being happy, my band, chocolate, photography, reading blogs, StumbleUpon, and Amazon River dolphins.
I
Um... my favorite color is purple?
That's about it.
Of course- who am I writing this to? I seriously doubt anybody'll read this...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
